THE RETURN TO WAKES
- Kevyn Bashore
- Mar 8, 2020
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 19
This information is about an option that might help people immediately following the death of a loved one. I could have added this story to my posting titled THE ROCK, but I felt like it needed its own post. So here it is. But first a caveat: all of the information mentioned here applied to my personal situation in 2012. Updated codes and laws in each part of the country should be checked before assuming anything I share is currently legal in your neck of the woods.
I want to share three bits of information I learned that influenced my family's decisions immediately after my father's death in 2012. Years earlier, I had viewed two PBS specials on wakes, burials, and coroners. The first thing I learned, in general, is that we can choose to retain the body of a deceased loved one in our own home in order to host a wake. Families have been led to believe that their loved one must be whisked away to a funeral home immediately after death. And then only seen for the brief moments at the memorial service, inside a casket. All prim and proper. And cold and distant.
But families used to wash, grieve, and prepare the dead body of their loved one for 1-3 days prior to the burial. It afforded them time to open their home to family, friends, and neighbors, to say good-bye. To weep with each other. To be silent. To share stories. To laugh. To groan. To slowly release our loved one into the grave. All healthy. And all part of the grieving process. But today's conveyor belt of death-to-the-grave-industry has stolen away this intimate process. This is partly due to practical reasons (health regulations) and/or greed (desire for business). And thus, has truncated the natural grieving process from our personal and cultural experience, along with the community experience of coming together to help and serve those who have been traumatised by loss.
Secondly, I learned that we don't need to spend thousands, or tens of thousands, of dollars on a casket and funeral. We can chose to be buried in a cardboard box. At least at one point in history. If this is legal when I die, I want to buried in a cardboard box. Or cremated and cast on a mountain top. I haven't decided yet. I have no desire to burden my family with the expense of a costly coffin to house my dead body. A body that will eventually disintegrate.
Lastly, I learned that many coroners are not trained in their profession. Many have received their post as a political appointment, so they don't know the ins-and-outs of their own field. Hopefully this is not true in 2020. But it's still best to prepare ahead of time, know your options and stand your ground when confronted by a coroner.
Obviously, not everyone is in a position to host a wake at their home. But if you have the ability to do so, do it. Or at your church. Or at your community center.
On the night I found my father's body in the woods, I chose to disregard the coroner's suggestion that we immediately transport him to a funeral parlour. Instead, I instructed the paramedics to transport him to my mother's home, on the other side of their fifteen acre woods. The coroner and paramedics were shocked, but they followed my order. There, we laid my father on a table in the sitting room where our family, neighbors, and friends visited to mourn and grieve. It was a powerful experience. One I wouldn't trade for anything.
Returning to wakes would be a healthy movement in our culture. It restores our God-given desire to be with the body of the one we love, though dead, and slowly release them back to God. We should consider this option before death visits our home.
"Returning to wakes would be a healthy movement in our culture. It restores our God-given desire to be with the body of the one we love, though dead, and slowly release them back to God. We should consider this option before death visits our home."
In the end, my resolve to hold a wake for my father only lasted six hours before we acquiesced to the pressure to transport his body to the funeral parlour. But it was a life-changing, impacting six hours of loved ones entering our home to weep and to say good-bye to my father. And to celebrate and honor his life.
I hope this helps anyone who is interested in resurrecting an old practice that should have never been cast aside in the name of progress. For as C. S. Lewis states, all progress is not really progress. Some progress is actually digress or regress.
Here are some links that will get you started:
Note: The Christian Martyr, 1879 is a painting by Joaquim Vitorino Ribeiro.
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